Welcome to Verity TV. Earlier today, we brought to you the progress in the Greek elections. A pro-bailout party has won the most number of seats in Greece; world economy is frenzied with what will happen next. The President of the United States has hailed this election as “a win for the common man; a win for freedom of speech; a win for democracy. Greece has shown that even during crises, it is possible to drag yourself to vote”. The Greek President was however sombre. He said that the elections were “a means towards an end” the end being receiving more bailout money. How this end will be achieved is not clear though. Most countries have turned a sceptic eye towards Greece after the last (hung) election. The Greek President continued “The Greek people, right now, not only lack food but also lack ideas on how to extract the bailout money”.
He has announced radical reforms to motivate Greek ideas and to allow the Greek people to be a part of the future of their country’s economy. He has asked that all the country’s garbage bins be converted to “Citizen Suggestion Box” or CTSB. This news comes as a delight of the country’s garbage workers union. Their leader told Verity TV “Over the last few months, the Greeks have become adept in household garbage recycling. Last year 90% of our workers were laid off due to lack of garbage. With the announcement from the Greek President, we are happy to announce that the remaining 10% will retain their jobs for some time”. The President has urged all citizens to drop their ideas into the CTSB. The Greek President hopes to build consensus around those ideas. “We simply do not have more money for a referendum”.
Verity TV spoke with the USA Federal Reserve Chairman a while ago “The question till today was “to-be-QE3 or not-to-be-QE3”. With the Greek elections behind us, the answer is a clear to-be-QE3. We will help Greece with our QE3”. The market initially rose 10% on that announcement. It later became clear that the Chairman was not talking about a new cruise liner Queen Elizabeth 3 but about printing more money; and the subsequent market “correction” wiped away the 10% gain.
Verity TV met with the German Chancellor for her views on the Greece election results. “Delighted” said Angela “…exactly what we were hoping for. Else all our previous bailout money would go down the drain. Now we know that the euro is not going anywhere (She meant “the euro is not going away”). We will lend bailout money to Greece and help it recover”. Unknown to her, her microphone was not turned off and it caught this comment from her “I cannot help grin at all this because it will bolster my chances at the impending election. At the rate we send bailout money to Greece, we might end up sending our entire GDP to Greece in five years; after that we will have to start sending our workers there as well. God bless Germany”.
The new French President was in a more confounded state than the rest. He confided in us “It beats me how Sarkozy managed to lend all this money to Greece and still showed France GDP growing. I have to speak with my economists before I commit anything more.”
Among the unlikely candidate for lending bailout money to grief-stricken Greece was the IT outsourcing giant – India. The Indian President climbed the grand steps of Red Fort at Delhi and spoke “India has recently passed the Anti-Corruption Act with the hope to recover unaccounted funds held by Indian nationals in Swiss accounts. I am proud to announce that, once these are recovered, we can divert these funds to Greece as a 20-year interest free loan.” Indian newspapers hailed it as “India ties up with Greece in T20 cup”. However, lawyers at Verity TV scrutinised the proposed loan documents; the fine print was a spoiler “The loan is provided under the condition that now and henceforth all IT work in Greece will be outsourced to India. The rate, terms and conditions of such outsourced work will be unilaterally decided by India at a date convenient to them in future. The Parthenon of Athens will be secured against the loan. Any disputes under this contract are only valid as a civil dispute in the courts of India”.
With Greece seemingly running out of bailout lenders and bailout ideas, Verity TV turns its eyes on the private sector. It approached the USA Company Apple on whether it would invest its large cash reserves to bailout Greece. Apple spokesperson said that with USA bank interest rates at a recent-all-time-high of 0.20% pa and it would be difficult for Greece to be a more profitable destination.
It is now left to world’s leading brains in science, economics and technology to churn up their ideas on how to provide Greece with bailout money. One brilliant research student put it thus “Greece should float a new currency Greuro. Once Greuro is floated, countries are allowed to buy Greuro which will provide Greece with easy access to funds. This will prevent the contagion affecting the euro and the contagion spreading through the Eurozone”. Exactly how this new currency will work is explained in his 5000-page thesis that he has submitted as a part of his Doctorate at London School of Economics. Verity TV cannot comment on the proposal without poring over the document over the next few days.
When presented with all these options, the Greek President yawned. The markets took that as a positive sign and closed the day up 7%. It will be clear tomorrow what the President had on his mind. Meanwhile, the Greuro is trading unofficially on Wall Street pavements at an attractive 1000GR = 1 EUR. Watch this space.
This blog is entirely a figment of the author’s imagination. Events and people mentioned in this blog are fictitious. If you would like to read more fictitious blogs by this author, click on Humour category on the panel to the right or follow him on Twitter @rshanbhag